a short narrative by John.

The past few weeks we've been figuring out bills & canceling/renewing accordingly.  Below is a narrative by John explaining one of our problems.  I'm sure all of you that have ventured into the cable/satellite world can relate to this story.

Trying to Cancel DirecTV: A Narrative
Rachel (7th grade); Carl (9th grade)

They had gone out only twice, the first time to a Cheddar’s, the second time to a different Cheddar’s. And it wasn’t exactly because Rachel disliked Carl that she wasn’t going to go out with him again; he was pleasant and occasionally amusing, but, let’s face it, she thought to herself, not worth the $7.98 weekly budget for Cheddar’s Legendary Monster Cookies keeping his company necessitated.

But in concert with his crushing naivety, his canine persistence, and his head: the head of a 14 year old boy with the unevenly parted and be-dandruffed hair of a 45 year old male librarian, Carl’s spotty comprehension of language educed Rachel’s proclivity for basic human decency such that she was unable to ever officially, completely end their toddling-relationship in the closing moments of any of their infrequent and awkward conversations.

This made their accidental meeting in the Kroger’s parking lot quite uncomfortable, Rachel knowing that she would be put in a position of either, ultimately, marrying Carl and staying with him forever, or being, however reluctantly, mean enough to impress upon him that never again would they split a Jamaican-Me-Crazy! smoothie whilst discussing the nuances of Ruffalo’s Hulk versus Norton’s. After all, their last conversation had ended, she noted to a friend via text afterward, “AQ-WERD x 3!” That is:
Oh, gosh, I’m not sure, Carl, I’m pretty busy all weekend.
OK! No problem! I’ll see you next Saturday, then!
Oh, I don’t know… I mean… I might not be able to.
Keepin’ busy, huh? GOOD STUFF! ! !

pay no mind to Rhianna's remedial photoshop skillz (the z is neccessary)

The ennui of that earlier scene recreated itself fairly authentically under the enormous blue letters of the Kroger as Carl, pointing upward (for nearly twenty seconds) at the burned out K asked Rachel, “Just gettin’ some supplies at the ‘Roger?! Ha ha! (still pointing) See it?” Eventually, though, after a line of rebuttals from Carl that included the following: “I’ll call you at 8! … No? 9 then! … I’ll call you at 4:30, as soon as you get home!” Rachel, left with no other course, looked directly into Carl’s smiling face, and said, “Carl, I was trying to be nice, but since you are either too stupid to understand, or too myopic to grasp what I’m saying, I’m forced to tell you that I want to utterly end our aberrant relationship. I never want to see, or hear, or be near you, ever, never ever, ever again.”

Then Carl put Rachel on hold for 23 minutes while he got his supervisor.