Golden Globes: Observations & Reflections [by John]

Jimmy Fallon and that guy from Maroon 5 not being funny.
I don’t understand the Golden Globes. Not like I don’t condone them or something, but I sincerely don’t understand them. Firstly, I don’t understand who is receiving awards from whom. I think it’s the entirety of television and film, globally, awarded distinctions by members of the Foreign Legion. It is meant, I suppose, to reflect what primarily Europe thought of everything the Oscars (and Emmys ) don’t allow them to think about, rendering the recipients of said honors slightly less honorific than the nominees constituting their Oscar-ian counterparts. Effectively, then, I guess it’s the announcement of who Europe would put on Hollywood’s JV team, like, “Dearest Kate Winslet, despite your abiding periphery in the states, the Old World thinks you’re capital! Love, Europe.” 

Also perplexing: asynergistic presenters. Let me understand that in what seemed a testimony to the ability of film to transcend the world’s animosities, Sidney Poitier presented Morgan Freeman with a lifetime achievement award… immediately followed by Jimmy Fallon and the asshole from Maroon 5. Semi-equivalent: “Thank you for those inspiring words Mohandas Gandhi. And now to the stage, for your enjoyment, star of ‘Police Academy 3: Back in Training,’: BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT!” 

The disorganization of the presenters felt, to me, symptomatic of the issues problematizing the entire show. For example: time management. At the start, I think Phil Donahue had like seven minutes to extol the virtues of and hand out the award for “Conceptual Backdropping in a Virtually-Animated Foreign Short.” Then at 10:56, Harrison Ford just sprinted across the stage while screaming, “’THE DESCENDANTS’ WON BEST PICTURE!” At the close, Ricky Gervais had only enough time to say, quote, “This was Golden Globes.” 

Other concerns are enumerated below:
  • Incomprehensible French people: I cherish diversity and truly respect all people, but for serious, when Robert Downey Jr. looks at somebody like, “What the hell’s this guy’s problem?” something in the evening has gone irrevocably awry.
  • Miss Golden Globe: When I saw Sinbad wearing a banana suit in a sex-ed video in 8th grade, I remember having that particular sensation one suffers when, incongruous elements accruing unproductively, your Mad-Libs doesn’t turn out how you’d hoped. This is how I felt when I saw Miss Golden Globe… (Rhianna has, since I wrote the above, explained to me that this is a tradition, and that this little girl has an honored place in Golden Globes history… But is there a Miss Golden Globe Pageant? I mean, there’s certainly one implied… Rhianna says no… so I still don’t get it.)
  • They allow anyone on stage: There was the lovely but puzzling Turkish gal who came on stage and said, in précis, “I am from Turkey. That is all.”
  • I hate Madonna: I’ve been on the fence since, “Ray of Light.” Then she couldn’t decide if she was British or American for a decade. Now it appears she’s on steroids.
  • Apparently tv is indy now: You remember 9th grade, I’m sure, when that one kid (Brendan Burgett-- EKHS ‘99) had four dozen band t-shirts, and whenever you mentioned any band, he was all, “oh yeah, I saw them when ‘The Cranberries’ opened for them two years ago, but they’re way too commercial now. You should really try the new Barking Kellies record.” Anyway, that’s the Golden Globes— I have actually seen only two things nominated this evening, “Parks and Recreation,” and, “Downton Abbey,”… which is brilliant.
  • Chris Cornell and Trent Reznor: If you’re a 14-year-old girl, imagine a long impotent septuagenarian Justin Bieber, inert on his bad hip at Wheeping Oaks retirement community, deeply invested in the “Shuff-Off!!: 4th Annual Co-Ed No-Age-Limit Shuffle Board Contest.” This is how I feel when I see Chris Cornell nominated for a Golden Globe.

Finally: I would like to host an Oscars party. Anyone who reads this should consider themselves invited. Details to follow… except this detail: everyone has to dress as a category. Hear me out. I want to win my Oscar party’s award for best costume design dressed AS Best Costume Design: “And now, winning the award for Best Costume Design: BEST COSTUME DESIGN!” … you get it.


1 comment:

  1. Did somebody say "Oscar Party?" I don't care if I'm broke and have a test scheduled the next day -- I'm showing up.