an essay on crying. [by Rhianna]

Sometimes you just have to cry.

A few months ago I surprised John, and myself, when I had a meltdown over the movie Hope Floats. How many times have I seen this movie? A conservative estimate would be around 20. Do I always cry when I watch this movie? The short answer is… yes. Do I always have a complete meltdown sobbing bawlfest over this movie? Not always, but the last time I watched this movie I suppose my mind & body just needed to let some things out. I found myself having a Beaches-inspired meltdown. (Beaches always brings on a complete meltdown sobbing bawlfest. I’m convinced you are a robot if this is not the case for you. But don’t worry robots, someday technology will come far enough for you to have a wide range of human emotion and then you can experience this movie as you should.) Anyway…. I don’t know when exactly the tears started trickling down my face. I’m a crier by nature, so when something is just mildly on the list of Reasons to Cry I will cry a lot. But then this scene…

Oh my god. I just started bawling on the mattress on the floor (did I mention at the time we were “camping out” in the living room… as we are wont to do) and John comes in from the bedroom and is amazed at the waterworks I’m producing from my reddened eyeballs. “BUT HOW COULD A FATHER JUST LEAVE HIS DAUGHTER LIKE THAT?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN?! BUT SHE’S JUST A CHILD! DOES HE HAVE NO HEART?! I DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAAAAAAAAND!” I sobbed to John. John, stunned, just asked, “Honey, are you okay?” To which I replied, “BUT JUST TELL ME WHY HE DID THAT?! HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO HER?! AND TO SANDRA BULLOCK – SHE JUST LOST HER MO-OOOOOO-OOO-OOM!” I would continue. John, again, “Are you sure you’re okay, Rhianna?” And then… “JUST LET ME CRY JOHN! THIS IS SAAA--*hiccup*---AAAAAD!” So he would. He went back into the bedroom as the scene ended and I started to feel a bit better about the situation. I mean, Sandra Bullock is a tough lady… she can handle this sitch and baby Egg is going to be just fine. Her cup runneth over and all that. But then this happened…

 And so I started sobbing again. Meltdown sobbing bawlfest. John comes back out, sees the scene and asks why I’m crying because this is not a sad scene. “JOOOOOHNN! DON’T YOU SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS IS?! HARRY CONNICK JR LOVES HER SO MUCH AND DID YOU SEE?!!! DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID FOR HER?!!! I’M JUST SO HAPPY THAT SHE’S FOUND LOVE. SHE NEEDS LOVE. WE ALL NEED LOVE, JOHN. I’M JUST SO HAAAAAA—AAAAA—AAPPY.” And then John, “But you’re still crying?” I just gave him a look. It was just a crying day. I’m sure you, dear readers, understand.

I enjoy a good cry every now and then. Once every couple months some kind of spell just comes over me and I find myself crying. I’ll cry because I’ve just seen or thought of something sad, beautiful, happy, or… well, really I’ll just cry over anything when I get in these spells. Out of nowhere I just find myself having this meltdown and most of the times I’ll end up laughing because it’s so ridiculous that I’m even crying in the first place, but now I’m crying even more because I’m laughing so hard.

Now… the other day I decided to make a “Quiet Time” playlist to play on the stereo while I drank some tea and read a book at night. John was working late and called on his way home. When I picked up the phone I had already listened to the playlist once all the way through and was just starting Round Two. After I said hello and John established that his Call-You-On-My-Way-Home call was indeed signaling his return home that late evening he asked me if I was okay. Before he called I had quit reading a long time before because I got so caught up in the lyrics of all the songs on my quiet time playlist and was gently sobbing in the big chair. “NO. I MEAN, YES I AM OKAY BUT I’M JUST CRYING SO MUCH BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SO BEAUTIFUL, JOHN. EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND SAD AND I WAS JUST LISTENING TO THIS NEW PLAYLIST I MADE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO CALM ME DOWN BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP BUT I JUST KEPT THINKING ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL EVERYTHING WAS AND THEN WONDERING IF MY ANIMALS KNOW I LOVE THEM. DO YOU THINK THEY KNOW I LOVE THEM?! I NEED THEM TO KNOW I LOVE THEM! I WISH ANIMALS COULD TALK TO ME-EE—EEEEE.” John, of course, had no idea where the tears were coming from. And I didn’t either. This was just another case of a random meltdown sobbing bawlfest. John starts laughing on the phone while he asks me repeatedly if I’m okay and to explain what happened. So I start laughing and crying at the same time because I’m ridiculous. “I MADE A PLAYLIST AND I DIDN’T REALIZE IT WOULD MAKE ME CRY SO MUCH AND I’M JUST CRYING JUST LET ME CRY.” But when I talk to him through my sobbing yells, because yelling is the only way I can make words come out of my mouth when I’m crying really hard, I start picturing this scene…

And then I laugh more because when has a movie ever understood me so much? Will Ferrell knows the soul of the meltdown sobbing bawlfest. The glass case of emotion that we are all trapped in. John cannot understand my sobbing yells because it’s impossible to talk when you are crying so hard and then you laugh so hard that you start crying more and, really, I mean, is it ever possible to completely describe why you are crying to someone? Even when you aren’t in the middle of the meltdown, how do you describe your slobbery mess of a self and the why of the situation? You don’t. So then I just started laughing/crying more on the phone to John trying to tell him to remember that scene in Anchorman. To which he replied:

“I’ll just see you at home, Rhianna. I love you.”

And that’s all I have to say about crying. Thanks.


  1. I can seriously relate to this. Sometimes I get a day where I cry all day...sometimes, for seemingly no reason.

    I love your all caps crying/yelling dialogue. I also looooove you and John! Miss you guys. :)

  2. I can seriously relate to this. Sometimes I get a day where I cry all day...sometimes, for seemingly no reason.

    I love your all caps crying/yelling dialogue. I also looooove you and John! Miss you guys. :)

  3. Just to reiterate, Cecilia can seriously relate to this. Seriously, though - I also can seriously relate to this. I can say with all honesty that I cry every single day. Let me just say that 99% of that is because I find nearly everything touching. I get...verklempt....if you will. Mostly because I cry during practically every movie I watch and I watch movies constantly. For example, last night I watched "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" and cried when Eowyn said "I am no man!" Jesus Christ! Today, I was watching "Everything is Illuminated" and cried during, uh, all of it (in particular "My father would make us kiss any book that touched the ground.").
    Also, yes. I'm on an Elijah Wood kick.